Truth be told, I admire quick-witted people, because frankly, I am NOT one of them. I have several friends that are amazingly witty and they always seem to have a knack for spitting out those great "one-liners." Two of my favorite authors who never fail to keep me laughing with their quick-witted humor are Kristan Higgins:
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
and THE NEXT BEST THING
And Margaret Ethridge with her After Happily Ever line:
Nonetheless, I can portray quick-wit when I want to, particularly in the books I write under my Gracie Lee Rose pen name. Because I have all the time in the world to ponder the "right thing to say" as I'm writing, I can appear to be one of those ingeniously clever authors.
Take this scene from THE START OF SOMETHING GOOD for instance. Jamie and Joseph, (my adorable hero and heroine who are next door neighbors) are having a conversation over coffee one morning after he wakes up with a serious hangover, from a long night of drinking with the guys. This is the first time he steps foot in her apartment and what follows when she invites him in.
“I appreciate the compliment, but I’m not an interior decorator.”
“What do you do?” he asked, meeting me in the kitchen. He leaned across the island, his biceps bulging above the right angle of his arms. I tried to keep my focus on the technique of pouring two cups of coffee. As easy as that sounded, today it was a difficult task given how close he was to me. If I shifted a little to the left, his hand would graze against my forearm.
I cleared my throat and my terribly imaginative mind and poured creamer into my cup. When I scooped a huge dollop of whipped cream to top it off, he came off the counter.
“Whoa, whoa,” he said, raising his hands. “What are you doing? You’re ruining a perfectly good cup of coffee.”
“I take it you like yours black?”
“I like mine the way Juan Valdez intended.”
I recalled the vintage 1980s Columbian coffee commercial. I hadn’t heard that name in forever, but I could still see the early riser slipping into his boots after the crow of a rooster and heading to the fields to pick the richest coffee in Columbia.
I handed him his mug and took a quick sip of mine, the cream settling on my upper lip. My tongue, licking it off, caught his attention. His eyes lingered on my mouth, but as soon as he realized I saw his drifting gaze, he looked away.
“So, what do you do again?” he asked, clearing his throat.
“I own a coffee shop on Fountain Square.” I gave a wry smile. “I ruin hundreds of cups of coffee on a daily basis.”
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's...Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher